Rockport : Faith, Shoes and Charity

Rockport have given you a brief to design 8 pieces for their new range. Yes, Rockport - the shoe people.
It's not so much knitwear at this point, but casual menswear, predominantly shirts and t-shirts.

Clothes must designed with the following "target market" in mind:

• 18-32 years old
• Reads "Lads' Mags" such as "Nuts", "Zoo and "FHM"
• Works for the weekend
• Trend Driven
• Is a follower, rather than a leader
• Likes girls, sports and beer

God, that marketing is scary, it's like describing the 6 pillars of Scallydom, maybe it's a religion and Rockport is it's God...

Possibly...

But maybe they are trying to get me, and convert me. Maybe they know I'm between 18 and 32, and that I'm partial to girls, sports and beer, and that I have glanced at a lads' mag, (even though I thought it was too big for it's ideal purpose).
Maybe I'll get people coming 'round the door knocking on quoting their misprinted version of Corinthians "Faith, Shoes and Charity; and the greatest of these is Shoes".
Giving me little booklets about how I should place my Rockports higher than any other shoe in the house, and always treat them with respect, polishing every bit I can three times a day and making sure to kiss the shoe before I kick some poor child's head in with it.
About how Rockports can solve all my life's problems, they can help me to lose weight by making me run, they can help me to attract a mate (to make little Rockport babies, dressed head to toe in Rockport, and baptised in the traditional mix of blood, petrol, rubber, vodka, Stella and melted down bling).

By making me irresistible to anyone who follows the age old trend of walking around with their head pointed at the floor, they can solve confidence problems by having you wear your shoes on your head.

Then they start encouraging me to come to church where we all stand united under 2 flags, 1 of England and 1 of Rockport. Singing such classics as "These Boots were Made for Walking, and Kicking People to Death", and "The Ballad of the Rockport Strangler", whilst we all worship the Pope Shoe; the most expensive and beautiful rockport ever made. Its jewel-encrusted sides glistening with Littlewoods cygnet rings, Argos gold chains - more than 2 inches in thickness, and oversized hoop earrings bought from a market in Whitechapel.
Its soles made of glow-sticks and Marlboro packets, stuck together with a mix of Stella and 3rd time home abortion debris. Its laces made of the hair you have to shave off to be ordained in the first place, and it's leather, fashioned from the corpses of all those who have gone before it, their "soles" departed to heaven - which looks unnervingly like Salford... where people run around stealing each others property, setting fire to cars and attacking defencless old women for a few pence...

or maybe not, maybe I'm just a bit bored today.